🦝🔥🦝🔥
You Might Also Like
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.