007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
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i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP