1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
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Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
*skinny dips into black hole
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?