1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
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Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.