[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
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Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
What the hell is going on?
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
repaired
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.