@edfoxcomedy

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

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Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

@forrrestfire

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

@Robert_Beau

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

@FKACornshucks

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

@knot_eye

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

@ronnui_

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

@Ndeshi_M

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

@CulturedRuffian

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

@GabbbarSingh

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.