@In_Twittaland

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

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@BobTheSuit

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

@PinkCamoTO

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

@ArfMeasures

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

@mccanncreates

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

@HenpeckedHal

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

@JermHimselfish

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

@Book_Krazy

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

@AnkCoupleTO

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*