1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
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Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.