“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Because I like to live on the
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Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.