1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

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In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.


8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.


911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit


Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*


My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.


The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.


Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?


Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*