1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
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wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.