1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
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60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Drive as I say, not as I drive.