1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
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Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
“Why you watching this shit?”
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july