1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
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My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius