1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
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I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Me in tagged photos
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches