1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
My dad.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.