1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
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What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
scrabbled eggs
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Running from your problems is cardio .
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.