@donniepeeler

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

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@mugkip

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

@WilliamAder

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

@Storminika

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

@JermHimselfish

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

@designersays

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

@shatty48

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

@mommajessiec

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

@noog

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

@shaun__gunner

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.