@comer310 Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
@BradBroaddus 1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
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@comer310 
@GianmarcoSoresi The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
@shortyintexas 
@redpawn3 I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
@ch000ch mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
@ThatEricAlper 
@xLiserx Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
@ThisOneSayz My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
@BuckyIsotope Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
@velvettusk My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”