Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Always the camel, never the toe.

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here