1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
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I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Hell yeah 👍
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.