@Twitmytweeties

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

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@ipalatsky

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

@nevernicethings

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

@SadMeterologist

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

@rusty_coach

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

@glo_stevens

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

@timdonakowski

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

@JElvisWeinstein

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

@DirtMcTurd

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.