@ipalatsky An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
@Twitmytweeties 1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
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@ipalatsky 
@nevernicethings DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
@SadMeterologist My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
@SeanBurkeShow Every BBC series about the universe.
@rusty_coach It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
@glo_stevens I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
@Inferno_V *hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
@timdonakowski Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
@JElvisWeinstein I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
@DirtMcTurd Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.