1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

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An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.






*a solitary gunshot*


My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.


It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it


I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.


Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.


I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.


Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.