1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Super Hand Dog Face
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
liiiiiiiiike
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I’m giving up ice.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.