@filmbizpro

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

You Might Also Like

@Marlebean

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

@IHideFromMyKids

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

@jillboard

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

@maisondecris

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

@thetobbie

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

@UncleDuke1969

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

@WendyMolyneux

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

@Chhapiness

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

@coalslag

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.