1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
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(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other