[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it