1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
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Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”