1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
You Might Also Like
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.