1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
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If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.