Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy