1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
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If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
“I wouldn’t.”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.