1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
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A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)