1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
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Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
😂😂
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”