1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
i choose….tongue
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.