@kelkulus Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
@OuterJohn 1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
You Might Also Like
@kelkulus 
@Jake_Vig Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
@ItalianBratikus When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
@killerdollrik I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
@XplodingUnicorn *quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
@DurtMcHurtt If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
@dysalexia Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
@CandyEmpires Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
@jlock17 A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
@hythemafia “Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”