1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?