1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
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i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Ummm
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Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
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Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.