@OuterJohn

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

@Parentpains

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

@batkaren

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

@AbbieEvansXO

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

@toastymoe

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

@eileencurtright

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

@LeonEarlgrey

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

@TheAlexNevil

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

@junejuly12

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…