@OuterJohn

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

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@kelkulus

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

@Jake_Vig

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

@ItalianBratikus

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

@killerdollrik

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

@XplodingUnicorn

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

@dysalexia

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

@CandyEmpires

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

@jlock17

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

@hythemafia

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”