@OhNoSheTwitnt “Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
@OuterJohn 1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
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@OhNoSheTwitnt 
@Parentpains Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
@batkaren Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
@AbbieEvansXO Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
@toastymoe Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
@eileencurtright Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
@DuaneABarrett @brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
@LeonEarlgrey “Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
@TheAlexNevil This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
@junejuly12 Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…