1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.