1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
You Might Also Like
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.