@Arrogant_Twat
@CeruleanGates The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
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@CeruleanGates 
@KateWhineHall [Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, Iβm not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
@inmynewskin MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
@barryjohnharper I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
@TheAndrewNadeau Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
@krissywillbretz *calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
@CafeinatedBacon Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister πππ
@robfee Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
@DaddyJew [pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
@sug_knight Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no