1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
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I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”