10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
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You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.