10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
You Might Also Like
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!