10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
A duv-egg? In this economy?
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.