10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
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Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
Mum: no not that one
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
this is the best interaction on twitter
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.