10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
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The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean