*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
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Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Sending in my taxes
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.