10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
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*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*