10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
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Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.