10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.