10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
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Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
every college guy’s fridge
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Thursday