10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
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him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?