[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
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*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.