$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
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We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”