10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
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Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.