10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
You Might Also Like
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Strangers have the best candy.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.