10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
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Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”