10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
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[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
rapatouille
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!