10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
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My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.